Press Button To Squee - Medieval Times

Why did the medieval photographer refuse to upgrade his equipment? Because he preferred a horse and buggy camera! Hmm?

I was excited to attend Medieval Times with my wife for Valentine's Day. Aside from the obvious night out for her when she had never been to such a thing (while I had previously been a decade prior with my "Little Brother"), I thought it would be a great opportunity to capture some unique shots of the battle scenes and horseback riders from a photographer's perspective.

Even though I'd love to be able to free roam the facility as I pleased throughout the event, I was stuck in a stationary position in the stands with the rest of the commoners. All things considered I had a pretty good angle of the proceedings. Quite a few of the culminating moments took place on the other end of the arena, but I had better vantage points of the entranceway and the royal overlook for what those were worth in style points.

I'm pretty used to ignoring the stares from people as I focus on getting my shots. I'm a weirdo, so I'm pretty apt at shrugging off other people in general. But I quickly realized how awkward it was to take photos with my wife beside me during an event, where typically only the staff are breaking out the big boy proper cameras to take souvenir shots for the customers. I could sense a slight wave of embarrassment from my starboard side every time I took out my camera, so in a rare bout of self consciousness, I decided to take slightly fewer photos during the dinner than I typically would to try and be less of a crackpot in public. Though I went home with a memory card less than full, it was probably for the best because once the food arrived and I was focused on filling my belly, my hands were then covered in the grease from my overdone chicken (probably to ensure safety when cooking mass batch amounts for a building full of people), because the peasants probably didn't have much cutlery back in the day, none were provided to guests either.

However, whenever the horseback battles began, I couldn't resist the urge to capture the action-packed scenes anyway, after all it was one of the core reasons I wanted to go so I wasn't going to miss out on that, oily shutter-release be damned. But, photographing the rampaging horses and heaving swords in low light conditions was proving to be a huge challenge (that I did expect). My equipment was/is knowingly subpar for what I was trying to capture, and I was struggling to get any decent shots that weren't a blurry mess.

I could see the event staff with their large professional grade cameras, and I couldn't help but feel some size-envy. I'd like to be able to afford better gear, but so far that's a battle that's been waged over inches and I'm nowhere near achieving that goal. In a figurative sense I brought a very small butter knife to a fight waged in broadswords. But I'm willing to enter combat with what little I have, be it sword, butter knife, or fork and spoon if need be. SQUIRE! GET ME MY SPORK!

The event itself was fun, as you would expect. It takes a strange type of person to watch sword fights and rampaging stallions and be falling asleep. It would take an utter disaster for Medieval Times to be outright boring wouldn't it. Just two hours of some pissant actor reciting middle ages taxation regulations. Riveting roleplay for children of all ages to education them early about personal finance.

We sat in the red section meaning logically we were represented by the Red Knight. I don't know if it was a a line for the act or not, but our waitress claimed that the Red Knight also happened to be her boyfriend. Fantasy? Who knows. But based on his performance I think that maybe she should be searching for another paramour because he didn't win a single competition or fight. The Red Knight might have been better suited to being a stable boy. It was a good thing no money was waged on that shitter, 'cause my coin purse would have travelled home lighter than the feathers on his helm.

Although I couldn't capture the particular action I would have liked with the gear I had, I did manage tp get some cool stationary photos out of the evening, which was better than nothing. It's always a bit of a shocker to see so much more detail in editing my work than I could see in real life. The only thing I can personally compare it to is attending a sports game, seeing a version of events from high in the bleachers only to go home and see a recap of it on TV where every pimple on a player can be seen in HD. Obviously not that drastic, but the "oh, now I can see THAT" of it is always a satisfying moment. Not to mention the weird tingle in the brain you get while reliving the event in post-processing. Gimme dat nostalgia dopamine please and thank you!

My wife of course was the only opinion of the court that mattered in the end. While her Royal Highness probably would prefer me to be more "in the moment" for these things, she enjoyed her experience as well. Like most young girls my wife has always had a thing for horses ("call me Swift Wind!"), so although she couldn't ride one off into the sunset, she atleast got an equestrian moment to remember.

Maybe next time, I'll leave the camera at home and try to enjoy the experience for itself with my wife during future special occasion outings. But I mean...probably not. If I could get away with it, I can't think of many scenarios that I'd willingly choose to leave my camera in its kit. If it's worth doing, it's worth photography. And me getting to capture these moments in unique ways that are special to ME is also part of the equation in terms of building meaning. That is if Her Eminence allows it that is.

Press Button To Blog - Why Offer Free Photography?

Even though I rarely have the free time I once did to devote myself to other worthy causes other than to myself and my family, there are few things that bring me more joy than using my skills and passion to give back to my community. In my younger days I've volunteered for all sorts of organizations, whether it's to help the homeless, animal welfare or working with disadvantaged children, I've genuinely appreciated the opportunity to lend a strong hand to those who might need it.

For me, the roots of community service date back to my childhood. When I was younger and struggling to find my footing in life due to my family situation, there were days where wee agnostic me prayed for a helping hand, that ever allusive theorhetical appendage that rarely if ever reached out with loving little finger tips. That instilled in me the importance of giving back, and I've carried that spirit with me into adulthood. It would be erring on willfully mallicious not to do what I can for others within reason when in a position to do so. Since I don't have the money or connections to do much else, I can offer my time and competence, whatever meagre value they might be worth. If I'm going to pick up a camera, I might as well see what I can do to make a positive impact in the world.

Gaining experience through trial and error is an important part of any photographer's journey (or life in general), but it's even more valuable when you get to practice in the real world with actual paying clients. While I'd love to start making money right from the beginning of this journey, very few incredibly lucky people have the talent to pull that off. So it's to the grind for me, slaving away slapping my shutter-release until I'm practiced enough to command a paycheque for my skillset.

Selfishly, who knows what connections might be made and what future opportunities might be forged by the effort put in now. Sure, a significant portion of people can be greedy bastards when given the opportunity, I'm sure there's a ton of people who could afford a professional photographer but refuse to passup the chance to save a buck, but it's the outliers I'm hoping to connect with. Someone whose gratitude might lead me to increased experience, unexpected rewards and further projects.

In previous careers and hobbies of mine, I've had the chance to meet with people from all backgrounds in a variety of industries and participated in some unique life moments, and in doing so I've learned so much about myself and the world around me for better and for worse that I can't imagine who I would be if I hadn't gone down the roads less easily travelled. And I'm curious to see where this all could take me when I put foot to path without a destination on the horizon. Sometimes when you've got nowhere to go, that's where you find something truly special.

But perhaps most importantly over either of those benefits (helping others and improving my craft), photography is simply fun to do. At least so far, when it's still an outlet for me and not the way I put bread on the table. It's a chance to express myself creatively, to explore the world from a vantage points that are unfamiliar, and to share my unique perspective with others. And when I'm able to do all of that while giving back to my community, it's a hell of a win-win for me.

Of course, offering free photography services can be a challenging task. It takes time, energy, and resources to put together a shoot or event, and it can be difficult to balance that with the demands of daily life. I have other commitments, namely having to work a full-time job to provide for my family. But I hope that the rewards (tangible or personal) far outweigh the challenges I'll face. Seeing the joy and gratitude on someone's face who truly and deeply appreciates your help makes it all worth it, and knowing that I can make a positive impact in society is an incredible feeling. You never know how much of an effect you can have until you put the muscle in. And not to brag, but I've got more brawn than the average bear...

Press Button To Blog - Bugging The Barbie

Why did Barbie always carry bug spray with her? Because Ken kept telling her to "Margot Rob-bee" herself!

Sorry, I couldn't think of any jokes that would bridge the worlds between Barbie and photography.

Anyway. I frequently find myself visiting thrift stores in search of photo inspiration. Someone else's junk is another man's treasure and all that jazz. There's something about walking through the aisles of other peoples' forgotten treasures that sparks my creative juices. Someone somewhere either purchased or were given everything thats been donated to that store. Where did things come from, what was done with them, when were they made, what happened for these once loved or hated objects to find their way to such a pityful end? A landfill is the meloncholy conclusion to so many of these stories, each lost to time and ever fading memories in a society built on buying the new and disgarding the old.

Whew. Let's maybe take a sombre step back and remember that I'm writing about Barbie dolls that are worth maybe fifty cents of plastic and fabric, but often get sold for the prices of spices during the Crusades. Fond memories weren't on my mind during one such occasion to the thrift store when I stumbled upon a batch of cheap Barbie dolls that I had intended for utter annihilation. When Barbie is charging the cost of saffron to enjoy her playing pleasures, it's no wonder she'd eventually find her way to the torture rack.

Now I know that on paper (a psychologist's in particular), there's something slightly wrong about wanting to destroy something that had brought so much joy to children for decades. What sort of monster would take pleasure in desecrating the effigy of womanhood that's been held so dear by so many for decades? What else can I say to you that I haven't already told the judge and jury preciding over my case? That I'm completely innnocent, and something otherworldly drew me to these dolls in particular among the other toys purchased that I've also destined for destruction (future content alert!). I confess on record that I couldn't resist the urge to take them home and unleash my...let's call it creativity. I wanted to channel my inner Sid from Toy Story, to let slip my mental dogs of war on some unsuspecting toys.

As I sat with the dolls though, turning them over in my hands as images spun through my mind, I realized that I didn't want to outright ruin them until I had better concrete ideas. So in the short term I had to come up with something that would keep the integrity of my props, so that I didn't have to continue buying little girl's toys every few weeks. I'm a weirdo, but there's a line even for me, and that line is somewhere before spending more than $5 on a handful of dumb dolls.

Hoping for some inspiration, I then dug through my collection of photography props that I keep in an old briefcase that I've never used for any legitimate purpose (even when I worked in an actual office environment), before deciding on breaking out some preserved insects from a previous shoot that had literally fallen apart. Could there be a more logical counterpart to Barbie other than a dismembered beetle corpse? Methinks not, and more often than not methinks in a high capacity, so I'll take my opinion over any to the contrary.

As I began to set up the shoot, I didn't intend for the photos to come out as icky and creepy as they did. I only wanted moderately gross and a medium of harrowing in my recipe. But as a photographer, sometimes you can only shoot what's available, and what I have in copious amounts are things that would alienate the squeamish audience that I yet to actually have. I'm sure this'll help my viewer count go way up any day now.

The thing about photography is that it's a medium that allows you to create what you can imagine (within reason). My problem is I can imagine a lot of inane dumb-dumb things that probably shouldn't exist. With a little bit of creativity and an open mind, I can make an absolute chimera of idiocicy if you let me. I love the possibility of taking something as innocent as a Barbie doll and I can turn it into a dark and unsettling work of twisted "art".

Whether that's what I did is highly debatable and I won't go as far as to say that's what I've managed here. I don't particularly even like this shoot if I'm being perfectly honest with you my dear non existant reader. I just popped some plastic heads off of some toys to capitalize on my pre-decapitated bug. I'm not precisely the Picasso of the parasite world.

In a slightly related coincidental tangent, there's something named Sphaerocoris Annulus, which are green bugs that with exactly 11 spots that omit a noxious odor when threatened, a species otherwise known as the Picasso beetle. They're the literal Picasso's of the parasite world. But wait, you say being a semi-informed-pedantic-animal-lover, beetles aren't a parasite. But actually, beetles do occasionally have parasetic relationships. Certain species of beetle live in fur of other creatures like mice and beavers and slothes, feeding off of hair folicles and epidermal secretions. You get meals where you can get them when you're a bug. And there are even types like the blister beetle that nest in beehives by emitting pheramones as larvae, which in turn attract and attach themselves to the body of a male worker bee who then transmits the parasites to a female who takes the invading insects back to the hive where the larvae gorge themselves on the pollen/food that was meant for the actual babby bees. A) The more you know, huh? And Bee) that's my fucking regurgitated honey those beetles are eating, to hell with the baby bees, what have they done for anyone? Tell them to eat some Gerbers or something and leave the sweet stuff to me.

Though on another tangent related to Garbers and the demographic playing with Barbie, did you know that many baby food makers were being sued in the past few years because investigations have shown that most brands contained heavy metals such as arsenic, mercury, cadmium and lead, all of which are toxic to humans and linked to neurological problems in children. If you don't want your kid to starve, you feed your 1 year old strange shit like "Beef and Gravy", and when their brains begin to invert from it, you end up with booger eaters and crayon sniffers until they hit puberty and social pressure finally gets them to stop being inappropriate in public.

This is the content you're here for isn't. Rhetorical question of course.

Look. Like some of my others shoots, things didn't turn out how I imagined it in my head. I'm still an amatuer, what can I tell you. That's the pitfall of having a lack of a solid creative vision going into it. I went in picturing Barbie dressed for war with half her face melted off, a la the underrated film gem "Small Soldiers". Regardless of the lacklustre outcome, I can certainly say that there probably aren't any pictures that exist that are quite like what I created. And personally I actually highly value that uniqueness, that undefined quality of aiming to develop something truly original. Were the pictures I took objectively good? Probably not. Are my photos one of a kind? Actually yeah, probably. And fuck me if that doesn't count for something in my book of debauchery.

At the end of the day, my previous and future work may not be for everyone, and some may find it disturbing or unsettling or gross. But as a photographer, my goal isn't to please everyone – it's to express myself and create something that resonates with me. As long as its not fucking BORING, I'm pleased with whatever drips out of my schlong of artistry. So as I continue to explore the depths of my creativity (and depravity), I'll keep visiting those thrift stores, searching for inspiration in the unlikeliest of places. And who knows, maybe I'll stumble upon something even more unexpected than a batch of busted Barbie dolls to destroy.